I talk a lot.
I don’t try to be annoying, it’s because I just love to share. I like my friends to know what is going on, I like to hear what is going on with them. So when I am not talking, that is when I am hurting the most. I am hurting and hiding and pretending.
These past few months have come crashing down on my reality in ways that I can’t even talk about here. It is highly personal. It is my dad. It is my brother. I took it all in, piece by piece. And I was fine. I made myself be ok. I am so busy that it was easier to instead take it day by day, and not focus on and worry about the things that I can’t help. So I focus on school and I didn’t talk about it. I don’t want anyone to know.
And then Bill broke my heart. I was shattered. It was the final piece, I couldn’t hold it all back anymore. When he left, I was shattered. I sobbed so hard I couldn’t breathe, I cried so hard I couldn’t see. I was shocked, I was nothing other than shattered. But it wasn’t just losing him, it was losing the final piece of comfort that was wrapping me up and keeping me whole when I needed that support the most. And I was weak, vulnerable, and distraught all at once, without a mask to hide it from the world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t study. All I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry. I wanted to mourn for all that was going wrong, without having to pretend to be ok. I wanted to be sad. I let it all out in the only way I knew how. It started off as just about Bill, but that is not how it ended. It became a mental cleansing; I was upset for Bill, for my family, for myself. There have been so many things that I realized I was trying to salvage. I have felt edged out by my friends, second rate in school, and I was letting all of these things happen. I didn’t feel that I belonged. I didn’t feel that I was worthy of belonging.
This was 5 weeks ago. And I didn’t realize it then, but I do now–I needed this. I needed to refocus myself. I realized I was working towards what I wanted, I realized I have done so many things that I never thought that I would. I realized who my true friends are. Because at the root, the current issue was still that I was heartbroken. So I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who I realized were there for me.
Thank you for letting me have time to myself in my room without judging me.
Thank you for forcing me out of my apartment with puffy red eyes when I said I didn’t want to go out.
Thank you for adding more vodka to my drink when I said I didn’t want to drink.
Thank you for forcing me to have a really great 2 hours out, where I wasn’t thinking about anything, and I was just free.
Thank you for rubbing my back as I puked.
Thank you for forcing me to take 3 bites of sandwich.
Thank you for taking me to look at cats.
Thank you for reminding me that you are there.
Thank you for skyping me for 2 hours and listen to me ramble and say the same things over and over.
Thank you for being empathetic.
Thank you for reminding me why you are all my sisters.
Thank you for sleeping with me because I couldn’t handle sleeping alone.
Thank you for telling me that it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be happy.
Thank you for sending me an adorable “ghetto breakup package” with chocolate and eazy mac
Thank you for realizing I needed you
Thank you for walking out of my life.
Surprisingly, that isn’t for Bill. He was having a hard time, but he is back now. I don’t know where we stand or what I want, but right now we love each other and we make each other happy, so I am not going to push that away.
You know who you are. Thank you for pushing me to realize that you brought more toxicity into my life than you should have, and that we aren’t good for each other. You call me a bad friend, but I have been there for you no matter what, and I still would be if you asked me too. I was your personal DD even when I was already asleep, I planned my schedule around you, I prioritized you, I tried to spoil you and make you happy, I cleaned up after you. And you gave up on me when I was in my lowest point, and you didn’t even know what was going on. And you threw harsh words that should never be said. And even though I can recognize that things have changed and mistakes have been made, you can’t. I can take responsibility and apologize and move forward and be cordial, you can’t. I can move past the mistakes and the issues and the arguments, you can’t. You can harbor this resentment and this anger and this immaturity, but I can’t. And I won’t. This happened 5 weeks ago, there is no reason that we should let it mar today. I have tried to talk to you, I have made my peace. I say hello in passing, you ignore. That is fine. One day I hope you realize how childish this all is, and I hope that we can be cordial. But I am done bending over backwards to try to make you happy. It isn’t worth my happiness to do so.